A long overdue update to my story. (I’m writing this for those who know me. It’d take me too long today to explain the deep connections some of these references have with me. 12/21/18)
A common question we ask each other, is How are you, or How have you been?
Since I consider honesty a virtue, I sometimes have difficulties in answering that question (especially as of late), and perhaps you probably feel the same sometimes.
According to the values of worth that we place upon each other in this current society, I couldn’t be doing worse. However, based upon the worth that I know has been blessed upon me for my future contributions towards this planet, I honestly couldn’t imagine how to feel more joy.
For you see, I have become broke and broken. As a result of trying to not build too much of a business in ways that could be confused as improper in the future (regarding my future hopes of advancement at USPS), and being too stubborn to just dissolve my business as the attorneys had told me (although, I still believe they are wrong in their interpretations of the events, and that my business ownership was always irrelevant towards my request for a promotion within the USPS), I have nearly lost everything financially.
At the beginning of the year, I took inventory of what was in my life. I looked at what was and was not actually important to me. Being free of the weight of greed for material possessions was one of my first great major breakthroughs!
Recognizing my freedom, I started decluttering my mind as well as my home, and I felt financial peace (loans on my home and retirements helped as well).
For those that don’t know (I can’t remember if I’ve blogged about it or not), I flew to DC in March and met with executives at USPS. I felt I was applying for a position with the Employee Engagement Team when I told them, “I am here to convince you to hire me for a job that you didn’t know you needed”, and that I saw Kelvin (Employee Engagement Manager) as my boss. The attorney, and later the OIG said that since I own a business, I must have had that meeting for the purposes of illegally profiting as a business owner.
I never represented my business at USPS, nor ever intended to. Commons sense lost, and I spoke with a bankruptcy attorney earlier this week. I have agreed to dissolve my business. I am back to pursuing my attempts to get a promotion within the Employee Engagement Team. I am confident that we can put together a program to improve the workplace across the nation.
(**my spiritual reflections posted here are personal, and are in no way intended to be considered as reflective of a desire to push ideas regarding faith within the workplace).
Somehow though, in my pursuit of self-development and spiritual enlightenment, I also managed to offend everyone in my life. I still don’t understand what I did, but I have lost contact and support from everyone who used to be in my life. At the beginning of the year, the woman I had been dating for several years, and who I could finally state out loud that I knew I loved, chose to leave me and return to her ex. I have only seen my only son Dominic, who has been my reason for living for the past 16 years, for about 1 ½ hours since the end of February. It was later this year that he aslo told me he wanted a divorce from his father. His mother, who I had once married and loved, had her attorney read into public records the sworn statement she made that I was viewed to be a “clear and present danger” to our son. This was reportedly the opinion shared by her and a man who I had always considered to be a brother, Shawn.
In addition to that, I apparently ruffled some feathers when I responded to a Local and National Union officers in moments of frustration of what I viewed as lack of support. There had previously been another loud outburst or two at work as I had been dealing with the losses of the woman I loved, as well as my son. On one occasion, I raised my voice at a member because I was frustrated that her and the others in her section were not standing up for themselves by simply, collectively demanding representation. That would save her catching me off of the clock, as I head out to deal with my personal life (which was crumbling at the time). Nonetheless, my angry outbursts were used to remove every bit of support, and opportunity to serve from/for my Union.
After 14 years of dedicated service to my local Union, I was limited to only 5 minutes to explain my mid-term resignation from my position as President. The locks were changed without telling me, I was removed as a recognized delegate to the Labor Council (where at the start of the year, I had been seated on the Executive Board), and I was even removed from the list of authorized shop stewards. This removal as a shop steward, also took away my protection as a representative of the Union at the same time I found myself under Federal Investigation for Ethics Violations from the OIG (a result of my meeting to try and improve USPS through the Employee Engagement Team). Later, these same local officers cancelled a non-refundable plane ticket that our local had purchased when I was still sitting president. This ticket was to the National Convention where our national officers would be gathered right after I finally received a copy of the OIG report of my investigation. I had checked in online, and was prepared to travel to get some help from our brightest minds, when our local officers chose to cancel the ticket. I still don’t understand why.
Financially, I admittedly took some big risks. I spent with confidence and freedom, but with full expectation that I would have someone to support me in my efforts and that common sense at USPS would prevail. I even brought in a roommate, and generously finished my basement to try and make it comfortable for him thinking I would have someone captive who could help me out. I have not seen rent, and he chose to pawn his stuff to put down a big deposit on a different place in order to move out at the same time my phone got turned off for non-payment.
I had tried hiring friends earlier in the year, believing that by giving generously to those I cared about was just a double blessing. Tara walked away after only a few hours of support but with an i-watch and a grand. Rose left after about $1200 for advance payment of housekeeping/massage, but also after an all expenses paid trip to Arlington VA with me too. John became resentful when working on my basement (also never bothered to try the free coaching I gifted), and so the basement is still not finished, and the last time I inquired, I apparently insulted him as well. I don’t know what happened there either.
I also continued to try to improve my individual impact on the environment, and I got solar panels put on my home this year, too. I traveled to events, invested in my education, growth and experience. I have ideas prepared with knowledge, tools and products in place for marketing, developing products, building and hosting events, even branding and merchandising plans with hopefully the right trademark protections. I have everything I need, but have not spent the focus to execute the plans, because I have been trying to learn and do everything on my own with no one who I had thought I would have had to support me.
It is hard to prepare a speech when you can find no one to share an hour of their life with you in order to do so. My first speech was given to an audience with no one else ever had heard it. Except probably Liz- through recordings only. I had never had an opportunity to practice it live. Preparing for my Veteran’s Day speech (Two Minutes for World Peace) was when I made my newest friends, Peech and Zan. They had only met me, but were the only ones I could find who would share some of their time with me in order to prepare.
I have cried on my floor in almost every room in my house due to losses and loneliness. I have seen over $100,000 go through my fingers this year. Yet as of today, while I have plans in place to build a business worth millions of dollars just from properly merchandising the brand that I trademarked, I have rolled all of the coins in my home, and used my collection of $2 bills for food and for fuel so I can deliver for Uber Eats. I am maxed out on credit cards, behind on all payments, overdrawn on a couple of checking accounts, and several months behind on my mortgage. As I write this today, while I had a lovely conversation with the counselor from Frontier, and a text from my future business partner, the many other calls of validation of my existence I received, were unanswered calls from bill collectors. Throughout this year, I have felt the the pain from, and grieved for the losses from my life of the woman I loved, my son, my friends and family, my Union and its support of my brothers and sisters. I have been called a criminal by the OIG and my employer, and a “danger” to my son by his mother and my best friend. I have believed myself to be dead since everyone from my past has left me.
My employer has primarily communicated with me through wellness checks. I received a call from Inspector Connolly, or the counselors she contacted after my thoughts of suicide in July, my comments regarding getting assassinated around October, my consideration of martyrdom in November, and then again because of my talk about a revolution in December.
I contemplated suicide on my 45th birthday when hardly anyone showed up to support my first public speaking engagement with me. This was also the free event that I was eventually disciplined by my employer for promoting.
Later, in preparing for my speech with my newest friends Peech and Zan (the only humans I could find to help me prepare for the speech- including my roommate) for the November 11 event Two Minutes for World Peace, I was inspired. I understood a simple solution for world peace that needed to be heard around the world. After being so sickened by the current state of the world, and knowing I have a solution to solve it, yet finding no way to get anyone to listen to me, I considered suicide again more recently around the end of November. This time was not out of loss or sadness of myself, but from loss and sadness of the state of our world. This also got me detained against my will for a week from Frontier Behavioral Health. This was an act of injustice that I still plan to try and address.
However, throughout this year, I have been blessed by losing everything. I still don’t understand why I have experienced the results that I have, however, I have absolute faith that everything happens for a reason. One of now known blessings that has been given myself and humanity, is that I have made my choice.
It could be simply that my experience alone, is the blessing that I was supposed to receive (which is also the secret, by the way). I think that the story alone has got to be worth a fortune! However, a lesson I learned was to follow my intuition and guidance. This was another blessing that was reinforced and explained by Mary Morrissey in my LifeMastery Coaching Certification.
Some of the other obvious blessings that I received, was that I was able to attend an event to commemorate the 50th year loss of one of the greatest men of our recent history called Complete the Dream. This was an event put on by a woman that inspired me to fly across the country in order to meet her. Valarie Kaur who had started a group called The Revolutionary Love Project was hosting the event in New York City. This woman started my path to change the world, but I didn’t realize it at the time.
I had donated to one of her causes earlier last year (possibly the same one), so had her email address. After seeing her inspiring Ted Talk from February (every time I have heard her speak, I have been moved to tears), and learning more of her organization, I knew I had to find a way to help. I reached out to her, and she told me about the event, and so I booked a ticket to NYC in order to meet her. That’s when I learned what it was. It was an incredibly inspiring event to commemorate the 50th year loss of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, and celebrate his 1963 speech, I Have a Dream.
This event, coupled with the education I received from Dr. Bill Fletcher Jr on race, inspired my education into the truths about history. The people that I met at the event, inspired me to attend the churches that I chose and in turn, meet the people that I met.
In addition to attending an event to honor one of the greatest men I admired, I was blessed and honored to be able to speak at an event titled Two Minutes for World Peace, commemorating the 100th anniversary of the original enactment of the Armistice Agreement, ending the war to end all wars, World War I. The date was originally celebrated as Armistice Day, but with the continued wars, was later recognized as Veterans Day. Today, as great of an honor as it was for me personally, and with no one from my life supporting me, I saw how little it is even recognized by our culture today.
I have been inspired by the things I have learned, and by the experiences I have had over this year, and I have made a choice. That is one of the things I learned earlier this year, but now I more fully understand – Life is simply about choices.
I quoted MLK Jr at my AWOL investigation at work the other day; apparently this is what prompted the counselors to reach out to me yet again. (As I said, we had a lovely conversation today).
Every man must decide whether he will walk in the Light of creative altruism, or walk in the Darkness of destructive selfishness.
This was inscribed upon a momento I had begrudgingly accepted from my brother Tuckness after the betrayals I felt resulting from when I had stepped down as local Union President. We have not had a man such as MLK Jr in a while. I think we are overdue, and I have made a choice.
In losing everyone and everything, I have come to know. I have chosen to spend the rest of my life towards the goal of making this a better place for everyone to live; I have chosen to walk in the Light, and spend the rest of my life in service of others.
I had made myself a personal goal earlier this year. I wanted to present to the world, my best version of Christ. Ater all, he showed us how we were supposed to behave and act. I believe that by losing everyone and everything, but yet learning what I have to allow myself to find peace and joy regardless of the situation, has helped me start to understand the true loving nature of that which has created us as well.
I think I understand what Buddha and Jesus were trying to tell us, and it is actually quite simple. I was meditating earlier about my question that if it is so simple, then why didn’t he just say it. The times have changed, the veil is being lifted, and we know much more now than we possibly could begin to understand back then. Regardless of what was, I believe I understand and will eventually be able to explain how it all works, or at least how I came to understand it. If that is also truly the case, then I hope to also be able to produce some of my own miracles soon.
In the meantime, even if miracles don’t immediately occur in my life, I hope that you will still wish me luck, and maybe even try to throw me a little support once in a while. The miracle might be my story itself. I believe the world is too screwed up right now, and that life is too short to not want to do something about it. If you think that things are okay the way that they are, and that you don’t want to change things, then you are the one who is crazy and should be locked up, not me. We can all do our parts to try to treat each other better and to try to change the world into a better place than from what we found it.
My goals everyday are simple, and I challenge each of you to try to follow them as well:
- Go to bed each day better than I got up. Make a conscious effort to improve yourself in body, mind and spirit every single day.
- Give only love and kindness. Make a conscious effort to only provide love and kindness to anyone and everything that crosses your path. Some of us make this one difficult sometimes.
- Appreciate every day. We make a choice each day as we label the memory of the day for storage- as a good day or a bad day. Make a choice to appreciate every day, and then try to expand that appreciation for every moment of each day for the gift that it is, and which we call the present. Some days, it seems hard to make that choice as well.
- Become the ancestor that you want to have remembered
I don’t know what my future will bring, but I know that it will bring worldwide change if I have my way. Just a month ago, I was prepared to die in order to do so, and that level of devotion has not changed. However, now I have decided that if I am right, you folks need me to help to explain, and I should stick around to help more people figure it out. The first big steps I’m trying to take in which to do so is that I am still pursuing my hopes and dreams of building a Mindfulness and Awareness aspect to the Employee Engagement Team at USPS by a promotion as an employee to Headquarters. If my business is dissolved, there should be no objection to my continued attempts for promotion within USPS; that is what the attorney, management, and the OIG have repeatedly said after all.
I have asked my Union Steward, and the Step 2 designee, I have asked my Union President, my local plant manager, the Postmaster, the labor relations specialist, and even today through the counselor at Frontier Behavioral Health for assistance.
To me, the solution has been simple: they can forward a copy of the OIG report to the same attorneys as well as the Headquarters Staff (I tried to correspond with all of them), and own up to the truth. There was no evidence to support the attorney’s views that my meeting was for the purposes of promoting my business; if there was evidence, they would have disciplined me. Regardless if there was or wasn’t evidence to support those accusations at this point, I am officially dissolving my business (I just met with a bankruptcy attorney this week). I asked simply that local management also defend me by acknowledging the fact that over my years as an employee, I have proven to be intelligent and of strong moral character. The other point to be recognized, is that I am definitely passionate about what I believe I can do, and the reasons I am trying to do so. After all this time, and everyone’s advice to stop, I have not given up on my goal so there is no denying my commitment nor passion.
If it is no longer viewed as illegal for me to have conversations with decision makers about a promotion within the USPS, and opportunities I might have to try to improve the workplace, then I feel I should get a chance to try and prove it. I don’t think my requests are unreasonable.
If I am successful in achieving what I believe that I can accomplish once there, then I can help the 500,000 employees who work at USPS, and in turn they treat our customers better helping our communities. They leave work feeling a little better, and don’t take their day out on their spouses or their kids; they don’t pick up the pills, or the bottles (like I used to do), and together it becomes a small start towards my goals of changing the world.
Once I get my recent misunderstanding with Frontier Behavioral Health straightened out, I will likely pursue non-partisan political positions under the guidelines of the Hatch Act, at least as long as I wish to remain out of trouble as a government employee.
I have also found a local businessman who I am trying to support in order for his value oriented brand to expand across the country.
I am actively trying to figure out how to develop and sell the rights to my story, because I think 2018 has turned into one hell of a tale; any help you can offer towards that end is greatly appreciated Once I gain some funding, I have additional ideas to affect change across the country through education, awareness, activism, and even peaceful revolutions to affect change around the world.
2018 changed my life forever, and my hope is to start to change the world in 2019.
Until next time, Live Without Fear, and search for Your truth!
Namaste, and God Bless
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